Sunday, June 13, 2021

Private zone: Dad

I'm squeezing my phone. My oldest son is partying in the city. We will make an appointment so you can come to “Campona” at 2 am. There I parked my car for approx. I'll get there by then. He could come there too, but writes that he is feeling well. Finally you decide to come home by student later.
Meanwhile, my thoughts wander ..
-God! If I could seat my father here next to me now. From there.
-Help! This is a device that has a moving image. In color. A moving map that calculates and tells you when you will get home. And you're on it as you drive your car. You can even see your son on the map.
Here is the smell of my father's new russian car call LADA in my nose. That skin smell (or what). There is nothing to be confused with the new smell of zigzag.
Why do all children remember license plates?
I travel home from Hops and just push my phone and look into the past.
There was a little purple blue light on the dashboard at night that softly and gently illuminated the round ventilation grille on the dashboard. It was a modern thing. As a child, I thought of him. I had no idea what it was for.
Dad left this world in 78. And in us, me. He overstepped his presence. He lived fast.
I'm pressing my phone. It's good that Dani can count on me. It's okay to kill me. I’m a little excited for it because the last time they got mixed up in their drink was some stuff that knocked itself out against their will. At the same time, I’m glad you’re having fun with your friends. 21 years old. We need to party now. So it’s more of a joy than a worry. Why?! Well because what did I do when I was 21? Do you think so?
I'm replacing you now. I didn’t think of my father at all until I was an adult. I suppressed it, I deleted it. If someone isn’t there, what can you do with it? I was little when he died. Only 8 years old.
Then my kids woke me up in my long-suppressed (I call it) time capsules. I realized I wanted to give my sons everything I wanted as a kid from my dad, but I didn’t get it. Because it wasn't.
If you could see me I would ask:
-Dad, am I doing well? I soak myself in the illusion that he must have known me better, since he was my father. And that’s when, of course, I don’t think about the old, stories that happened, sobering back into reality. I want to believe that he did know what a good father was like. I can’t even answer whether it was good or not good? Because it wasn't.
I didn't bother about it. I didn't cry. Somehow it was in me: From here it is. Unchangeable. Then there's nothing to think about.
But life is not necessarily logical. Because emotions network your timeline, and the memories that come from it form a veil. The fact that you don’t notice something is still there. And what is sooner or later arises with the need to be defined.
What you don’t say, what you don’t think, what you don’t even know is there, works in you too. These are timed time capsules. And the clouds of memory above your timeline connect them. This is timeless. After 41 years, he comes back as if he were last week.
In vain did I think I was thinking of anything, at the age of 38, with 3 children, crying broke out in my father’s grave. After 30 years. I stood there like a toddler. I was too. 8 years old. Well, of course: Our story stopped there. Waiting for the sequel. Waiting .. since 1978.
My kids opened valves that were closed in the ’70s. Nothing could be done about it. That didn't ask anything. It just came. And I didn't even know it would be that way. I did not ask or seek to be so.
Wow, how scared I was of that! To bring up some secret from the depths of your subconscious. Something I never dared to remember. What I was afraid of. Which I didn't want to face. What I’ve been convinced of all my life so far is NOT! Well, fuck left here !! Went!!! What could be worse than that?
I never dared to ask the question: Where is my father? Because who cares about that today, doesn't he? After all these years? Forget it!
What a trick this is! The most important questions that determine your life that you’ve only been trying to forget so far. And the more you wanted, the more you wanted to get out of there. I am grateful to my children for that! They pulled this out of there.
Daddy where are you ???? Hey! Don't you think we should talk? After all this time ??? I'm in my fifties. I want to see you! Feel! Hear your voice! Your laughter. What was that like at all?
I have to find you because it hurts me best that I can't find you anywhere. You weren't, well, I wiped you out, but can a child wipe out his father ??? I also had to wait decades for this simple question. Even if it lasted for 30 or 40 years. It turns out he doesn't disappear. I didn't let go.
It turns out he doesn't disappear. I didn't let go.
Because I didn't want to deal with that either. And I need Dad! I want to introduce your grandchildren! They are my prides. Very cool guy all of them. I want to think you would be proud too!
There are three of you here (just as you were three brothers) and I can’t introduce them to you. Aren't you curious about them? Where the fuck are you now when you should be here? I can’t tell them about you because I don’t even know who you are or have been!
10-15 years after your death, I went to your father with my brother. I was very scared of this encounter. He never wanted to see us again after you left. They even denied us with your mother, maybe they cursed me I don't know, although it doesn't matter much today. They’re my grandparents, so they worked up how you left. We were blamed for the loss of their eldest child. They were simple people like woods. I’m not mad at them, but then they went out of my life with you.
Of course, he didn't know him for the first time. Gyula Öcséd tried to take the lead on this dramatic moment:
"Oh, Dad, do you know who I brought with you?"
Your grandchildren were standing in front of your father. The children of his lost son, the last he saw as a toddler.
We were standing in the garden gate. On the street, he's from the garden. It says:
-I don't know who they are.
For me, my feet were rooted to the ground. Doooooon’t you know who are THESE ??? A mixture of crying and fear swirled inside me. It took me a second after the shock to explain to myself: For me, the big tree looked exactly like the last time I saw it. But I was 2x that size for him in the same amount of time
-Daddy look better! says Gyula.
Then, for a brief moment, perhaps just a flash, he appeared, the horror of recognition for a rock-solid blacksmith who had never lived in front of others, and put in a single hinged word all the pain he had gained by losing his son. He is the one who could never allow anyone to see him as "weak." The stone is a tough blacksmith man. In a hushed voice he said:
"I guess ... I'll get the key."
At the moment of realization, he was flooded with the unspeakable pain of decades in a hundredth of a second. And he immediately became master of it again.
Then a few minutes saying nothing as we walked through the garden. That wasn't interesting anymore. The point is there at the gate.
Why did I think of this story?
I'm trying to put Dad together! This is belated mourning. I'm mourning now. This is the only way you can get to the right place in my life. And so I can live on while I'm here.
You know, this is very important to me, because even though I was cancerous, and I even expected my childhood to survive, I am now dying to survive, but I am still here and I cannot function properly in this earthly existence if I push this further. the topic: You.
I want to bury you with fairness! It doesn't matter to you anymore. Not for me yet.
They're counting on me! And I don’t want to let them down! This good feeling keeps you alive. Until my last breath, I want all my sons to feel: They can count on me! I can never tell them I learned from you. Your lack brought this. This is mourning itself. I wanted kids because I wanted to love and feel loved.
Apu! Whatever you were is not or can be replaced. I wanted a dad just like any kid. But they took my dad away from me and I couldn’t defend myself any other way unless I excluded him from my life. Don't be mad at me for that! Now I know: after 41 years, that you have a place in my heart. Even if I barely knew you. Wherever you have been, I just didn’t dare say it.
When I think of you, I always stay a kid. Because then you left.
I miss you Dad! I love you!

private zone: Look Inside! 2.0

I really like this tune. Your text fits my theme. It became the motto of this writing of mine. I've been listening a lot lately. If you can listen to music while reading then start. But maybe you better just listen to it once.
I would like to quote a quote from him here at the beginning:

"Don't let it change you"

 On August 20, 2017, I published a (very long) post titled “Look Inside”. I shared the events of my life there. I tried to put into words and record, to describe everything I had understood so far in my life. However, this is a never-ending process. Many times it comes to mind and it is stated that if I had known this then, I certainly would not have done this or that. And I realized, or had to accept, that what the Bible says, "everything has its time" is very true. Even though I wanted to know things before that I think could have helped in retrospect, I just didn’t keep there in understanding. And these circles cannot be shortened or escaped. You have to go through this. The fact that I made these public is, on the one hand, a compulsion, a compulsion to talk, a kind of therapy, and, on the other hand, I thought and still think it will happen to many of us. In this way, we can draw strength from each other’s stories, if only by not feeling alone in these problems. First of all: You should not be ashamed of failures. Especially if you want to close your life so far with a good conscience. For me, when I wrote it was a turning point. It lasted for years or started and continues to this day. It will always last. Recognitions and understandings bring about change. Change is the only constant. It’s been 4 years since I wrote and I’ve come back to a station where I want to put a marker again. And how good it would have been if I already knew in 2017 the ones I just found out about. But it will probably be similar in 4 years.

After 2014, big changes began in my life. Up to that point, I filled my life with full steam, which was about my family and my work. As usual for people in a similar life situation .. :) I didn't really know what to do with the problems of life, which didn't mean I didn't deal with them, I just didn't have any means to start something meaningful with them. I pushed the troubles. I didn't want to face him. This is probably consistent with being basically a problem-avoiding person. It is also true that for a long time I thought I could solve it without help. Well, I was very wrong about that, and if there's anything I'm sorry about, it's definitely that I haven't asked for help before. In a way, I have been constantly trying to solve the problems, but I have failed every time. I didn't know how it could be otherwise. We went to family therapy, one by one (even the kids) and the family together, but none of them really worked. Nowhere did we get to the root of the problem. Virtually nothing has changed from the troubles that have pleased the man enough. No one understood what was happening to us, and that included ourselves. I was amazed at this too, because we got to helpers who were famous in their field, but we also failed with them. We were not a centimeter closer to the solution. I didn’t want to believe that wherever we go we just grope in the dark and I can’t find a place where we get tangible help. Our environment did not perceive much of this. We were able to give the fain family picture perfectly. Maybe then we also believed that all o.k., because that's what we wanted.

I was in my mid-40s and at this age comes the first serious look back. Where am I going? Where am I on the road? What and who surrounds it? What are you interested in? How does everything that has happened affect my future plans? How are my relationships? And how am I with myself? How is my relationship with God? Am I in place? There was something I was happy with, there was something I wasn’t. I focused on the latter. For example, a spiritual, believing person needs community. Back then, I hadn’t been in a community in years and it was getting more and more strained, I felt the urge to start something with this. But I have not taken any substantive steps on my own.

There were actually two events that shook me from this bypass and pulled me out of the comfort of my life so far. 5-6 years after these events, I can already say: I am not the same person I was before. Or this is not true. These events brought to the surface many things that had been there in me until then, I just couldn’t come to the surface. Well now they come up nicely one after the other. With help. For example, I can thank my children for tearing out any relationship I had with my father from my completely repressed and lost memories. Dad died in 1978. I was only 8 years old at the time. But after my age of 5, my parents divorced. In an article in June 2019, I mourned Dad with a delay of 41 years. It was a huge milestone in my life. For those who are interested with a warm heart, I recommend:

My Dad

But even before that, one of the important stages of the same process was my baptism in 2017, where I finally said yes to God’s call and started going to a church. I became a believer as a Reformed. They were also baptized as children. My child baptism did not cause me any conscience problems. This move was now my decision, in turn, and a clear sign, a symbol of belonging to the church of God. A great public YES to God! It was an important spiritual step in my life. Video about:

The ones that started these were one of my car accidents with the Budapest Jazz Orchestra in 2014, where my drummer colleague Andris Mohay died, and I (probably) simply flew out the side window of the minibus in the collision and recovered under the ribbon railing. Although no one saw this, I had a movie break, but there isn’t much other explanation for it. I didn’t have an out-of-body experience, but I felt death very close. I wrote about the accident here on the blog earlier. There I also described how one reacts instinctively in such extreme life situations. There is no time for consideration so everything happens so quickly. All I said then was, "I'm coming, Lord!". Because I thought I wasn't going to survive. I could get to know myself in an extreme life situation. How do I react? What do I do? What do I mean then? Everything that happened there shook me. According to the police officers on the scene and the doctors arriving, I should have died as well. And not that I survived, but based on the X-rays of Eger Hospital, nothing broke. If we can believe in miracles, we can safely call it that. Well, that started a lot of questions in me. Why did this happen to me? Why so? Everyone who traveled with me on the bus stayed there too. I flew out alone. Why did I survive? Why didn't anything break? Why didn't I become physically crippled? Why? Why? Why? And why did Andris die? How to proceed next? Is there any reason I'm still here? I really want to know and feel in my place. That's why I headed back to the church. Here you can read what I wrote about this after the accident.

this writing is only available in Hungarian for the time being.

The other thing that pulled me out of my previous comfort zone was my illness. In 2015, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I started keeping a diary about it that year.

this writing is only available in Hungarian for the time being.

Well, one of these would have been enough, but after the cancer, the questions became more and more serious: What is happening here? What happens to me? What else can come after that? I was reminded of the story of Job who lost everything. His possessions, his family, and then his health. Yet God loved Job. He considered him a God-fearing man. Yet everything that happened happened to him. But God's purpose was with him. Well, that's what I've been looking for, and I'm looking for. What is the goal? Because these are pretty strong signals.

As far as I felt in my environment, everyone talked similarly about my accident: You were reborn, Miki, You can be glad you got away with it. You got another chance. You have two birthdays. Now you are learning to appreciate life. etc. And that bothered me a lot. Because I thought and felt this very differently. I could not identify with any of these thoughts. And that's confusing, too. No, that's not a good word. I was more annoyed. Because that's how I should react. But I didn't feel that way. In fact, a kind of apathy actually began. Not right away. About a year and a half after that. I found myself not really interested in anything. "Shit is also horned" (sorry) as they say. And so who knows, if someone then I was the man who was constantly bouncing and ready to act. I couldn’t rejoice that I survived. In fact, I wished I had gone "home." These thoughts did not lead to a suicidal design. In other words, I didn't plan on suicide. But I wasn’t in the mood for much after that. I didn't care about anything anymore. I could have let go of anything that was important until then. Anything! I tried to prepare for death. In hindsight ... I actually had to shake it back to life. It's not that simple. It wouldn't even go to me without help.

Everyone can be replaced. Maybe only the kids were exceptions to this. But I stood there as a counterexample. I didn't have a father either. Yet I grew up in love. I didn’t feel like I could be irreplaceable anywhere. Everything became much, much more difficult and unbearable. Nothing made any sense. At least I didn't find it. The spirit you have in the morning when you get up and get ready for your things that day. What’s waiting to be recharged every morning and add energy to your stuff is what’s gone for me and hasn’t recharged anymore. Even if I had some pleasure I couldn’t share it with anyone. I couldn't stand it then. He should have. I had no companion in the tragedies. And by no means. I couldn’t share it with anyone except my blog. As now. This became clearer than day for these two events. I collapsed spiritually. In 2016, the problems of the decade broke out with elemental force. From the outside, in retrospect, one is always smart, but being in a process is quite different. Amazing deep flight began. Spiritually. I was vulnerable. There was a lot of trouble then. But these events were not the trouble. These brought him to the surface. In fact, I have had pleasures in all areas of my life (including my children). They are worth living for. And in my work, too. But as a husband, the ground slipped under my feet. And that, then, settled like some kind of contagion on every area of ​​my life. These events accelerated this.

The two things are different in that the history of cancer is worth examining as long as the accident does not. I got it. I also got the cancer, but I did too. And maybe Chernobyl could have helped a little too. I know my illness is not of genetic origin. So I’ve been collecting it all my life. This cancer is said to be of spiritual origin.

I have a story that sat deep inside me. It has become symbolic. During one of the check-ups, a nurse who took the blood with her smiling eyes asked her completely naturally and kindly what I am here for? (Kékgolyó street kind of cancer hospital centre) I tell her as she looks deep into my eyes and says, "Let it go!" Don't keep it any longer! " She chopped so hard on what she said, I felt full. I didn’t know what, I didn’t have words for it, but in all my cartilage I felt like she had found it in the middle. I felt naked. As if she knew everything about me. I was confused. She didn't expect an answer. She couldn't say it for the first time. She addressed me deeply, skipped all kinds of formalities and etiquette. She knew full well that there was no time to get acquainted here. I may not come at the next check. And she didn’t kitty, all he saw and learned during her work, her life, she said. That was love. "Let it go!" Don't keep it any longer! " I still carry this story in my heart here today.

Since my wife considers me a pathological narcissist, she made it a condition that she would only be willing to deal with our marriage if I went to a clinical psychologist. It was important for him to be clinical. And I left with my narcissistic abusive label.
 Of course I left. Because so far I’ve been trying to solve the problems somehow. And if that's the problem, let's go! I felt that if I could do something about it, I would do it! Because I didn't want to be! Put your hand up who wants to be a pathological narcissist! In fact, I thought if I’m the problem, if I have the ball, it’s pumpkin good because I’m going to solve it too. Although my wife is neither a doctor nor a psychologist, and no one has examined me on this matter until then, I still believed every word of her, and of course I wanted to recover from it! He felt constantly abused by me. My statements in my critiques, solutions to problematic cases, etc. And he thought that's why this condition is. It destroys him and our marriage as well. My personality disorder. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Neither consciously nor underneath. And I wanted to know exactly what this was and how involved I was in it? How correct are my wife's claims against me? I also heard later that one of the biggest problems for people with this personality disorder is that they are almost incurable, unable to recognize this in themselves. They have no self-reflection.
 So think about it: What you experience as reality turns out not to be. And someone will start telling you that everything you give in response to your experiences is not your response to reality. Because there is a problem with your signal processing. It’s as if you can’t participate in reality because your answers are false. Therefore, you cannot form an opinion about what happened either. You can't be a discussion partner in anything. You will not be a partner anymore at all. Suddenly all stable points under your feet disappear. The moment you believe this and no longer trust your own experience, you rely on who you believed it to be. You became a prisoner. This is the manipulation itself. And to recognize and see that you have been a part of such a vicious game, you need help. Serious help. In fact, what you are accused of falls on you. This is total vulnerability. All empathy, symmetry, common ground, understanding ceases. You are not a partner, you cannot be the one, you have lost the right to it, only an object of use and a scapegoat. It’s starting to show that your partner doesn’t need a partner. It will take away from you all that has aroused sympathy in her at the time of dating. I all believed I took these accusations, I was completely insecure in my marriage. Why I will also describe it. But I knew one thing: I have to climb out of this wherever the truth is. I definitely didn't want to be like that! And I wanted to end this condition. All the more so because this accusation was only present in my marriage, it did not come up on any other platform.

Specifically, I started my first encounter with the psychologist by wanting to get myself into action with her help. I want to expose myself. I explored and explored everything. Because I knew that without honesty you couldn’t get results. Yes, but what if I can’t tell you honestly because I’m not capable of it? I needed help, so I decided that I was going to talk about everything I think was the most honest I could get out of me. If it is true that I am the manipulator, then it must be revealed. I wanted to touch myself in action. At all costs. I want to live in reality! In which my image of the world harmonizes with the world. Also in my private life. Have I been tormented for a long time by what if I don’t recognize myself? It really took help. Even a psychologist can only be led for a period of time. If we don’t give up and look for the right professional until we find it and stay persistent, that’s the time we leave until the recognitions start, they will just start one day. I tried in several places until I found where I got help.
 I don't want to be abusive. (In my case, the charge is psychological abuse). But I believed I was. I have been tormenting myself with this for years. I also got help with that. If I might have felt any different, I wouldn’t even dare say it to myself. After all, I am not able to see myself in reality. I didn't have words for it. Neither are my tools. It was so precarious in my marriage that the correctness of all my thoughts and feelings was questioned. It made him completely unstable and vulnerable. I didn't know that what I thought was good intentions would really land on him? This was already the limit of madness when one loses rationality. I’m basically a person who likes to talk, write, write down his thoughts on his own, but there was a time when the moment came when my thoughts themselves practically stopped, they died the moment they were born. It was scary. I had never experienced anything like it before. I couldn't speak. Not to myself. My thoughts couldn't "speak" either. It was that I only stopped before God in my thoughts. I didn't know what to say, I just stopped silently in front of him. I didn’t even say anything to myself, I just stood before God in silence. Anyway, it’s a very deep and intimate prayer like I could have experienced. I brought my vulnerability to him. My fall. That's when I felt something was wrong. Serious trouble. However, I received help from God in the form of a clinical psychologist.
My wife who sent her didn’t even know how much help she was giving. I can't even tell you how much. I'm back in life. I was able to speak, for example. Not right away. But in the end, yes. I could tell you what's in me. And at first I felt someone was listening and understanding. Someone who understands what I'm saying. And you mean what I mean. So my thoughts started again. My confidence is back a bit. It took a very long time. I've been walking for 2 years. I have come a long way. And even where the end is ... I'll probably write about this too, because I think it's a great blessing. However, no crime was committed. Not a revelation. In fact, the “treatment” started in a completely different direction. Then it was very confusing. I wanted to go back to my original request several times. I want to get rid of what my wife said ruined our lives! But we turned again and again. At first I didn't understand. But I set out to find out the truth about myself, and if I can’t accept that here either, I’m really inescapable. So I had to let go of that and let us head for my real problems. But if not narcissism then what now? What do I say at home? What if neither pathology nor narcissism is right? Whatever those words mean. Then these problems were solved much more easily, because my wife apparently was no longer interested in these events at all. And for anything related to me at all. No matter what came out, it wasn’t for him that concreted his opinion of me. This was no longer a condition. There are no longer any conditions for dealing with our marriage. We released them. Why? I dare to express my opinion on that too, but I will not. Not here. That would be about him, too. And I don't want to "talk to" him or form an opinion about his behavior or what I think today about how we got here. This writing is not about that either. That would be really personal, and that’s not my goal. That's his fight. With herself. 

The insights born with the psychologist were very painful. To face the immutability of certain things. Accept that there will be things you can’t do more of. Because it's not up to you. Either way you try. I got sick of it too. Because I never give up. There must always be a way. But this is not the case here. I had to accept that this had to be released unfinished, unresolved. I have never been able to achieve acceptance in 25 years of marriage.
 I had a very hard time believing, realizing that the accusations against me were not my problems. In fact, it’s hard to believe even now. We have lived in this full agreement for many years. A childhood friend of mine said, "You're stupid Miki, a psychologist will tell you from 3 sentences that it's not your problem." When a person is emotionally dependent on another person, he or she becomes under the influence, narrows his or her horizons and falls victim to years of manipulation. This is what is very difficult to recognize. I am accused of what I have been a victim of. I unconditionally believed everything. I tried to change, but I failed again and again. I always tried to accept it over and over again. One of the consequences of my childhood injuries is that I want to suit everyone everywhere. For acceptance. Therefore, without thinking, I take everything for myself, because I think that with this I can solve the problems of tensions and achieve my main desire for a sense of acceptance. But instead, I just picked up my crab. "Let it go!" Don't keep it any longer! "  I'm going on my way. Alone now. And now for myself primarily. Release. My life, our life, is indescribably tangled. This has had consequences that have fundamentally shaken the lives of our families. Trials of this kind far outweigh accident or cancer. I do not wish anyone such a life situation. On the other hand, I send a message to all “silent” stakeholders and victims that there is help. Even in the time of the greatest darkness. Let’s be honest with ourselves first and dare to ask for help. You have to go until you find it. Just go like a tank! Even if you don't feel like getting up in the morning! Even if you walk in the valley of the shadow of death!
At the beginning of my writing, I referred to Common Courageous. number. I could even quote more of it but I’m going to get one here now: “Stay courageous and be real” i.e. Stay brave and be real.
We need to examine whether our own inner world is in harmony with reality, objectivity. Because if you can't get into it. It didn't work for me without help. I believed that everything I see, feel, think is false. And it wasn't. But there are those who are so (firmly) convinced of the truth of their own world that they cringe on external objective events and bend them to their own reality. And he tries to convince his environment about this. Unless otherwise manipulated. External help is needed to decide this. Whoever is in one of these, no matter which side he is unable to see from the outside. And at this point, I’m already a little more understanding with helpers who didn’t know where to look. I finally got help. Thank God!
 So now, if possible, the question has become even more elementary: Is that why I survived? To keep me going through the way our lives fall to pieces? Therefore? Where to now? I have already learned that these cannot be escaped, shortened. Many times I "misbehave" with God because I don't see, I don't feel, I don't experience Him. Not the way I want to. Or I'm just impatient with him. The desire to be in his presence erupts in me with elemental force. To be back and forth. Yes: These are expectations of God. I dare describe it this way because I know that God and the Spirit of God examine the hearts and thoughts of all of us. I believe that the Spirit understands this process better than I do. And it gives me joy and security. Because it has never been wrong for someone to stand honestly before the Lord. Well, I want to solve this with him. It would be so good if Jesus would sit next to me in the car and talk to me. Because I can pray the best while driving in the car. I have told Jesus many times how good it would be to sit here next to me now. At the same time, I also learned that most of the time I did not recognize Jesus in the present, but looking back at the events. I go on the road and study. And I’m shooting within myself everything I’ve understood so far. Or I did not understand just touched. "Let it go!" Don't keep it any longer! " 

private zone: "For now we see in a mirror indirectly.." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

I saw a lecture on a psychological topic in which they (also) talked about the fact that there are people whose memories are not continuous but fragmented. Investigating the reasons for this can also be a very exciting topic. The missing details are filled with logical, possible events. Not necessarily with what and how it happened, but only with partially logical conclusions. "It could have even happened that way." For example, if someone says they went to X, it could mean that they met several times before the day in question, but not necessarily that they were with him that day, or if they did, it could have been only part of that program. and not the whole thing. And the missing elements are woven into a story. It could also be not the identity of the person who is the fake, but the location, or others who are there will be left out of the story. Maybe they don't remember the real events? I do not think so. There is only one aspect or reason that is so important to them that they are able to overwrite reality for themselves. They can convince themselves.

They think it is so real that it doesn’t even occur to them that they don’t cover the facts. Story-weaving can also be accomplished by referring to it in retrospect, "But I told you!" This is the statement that goes into the irresistible past. It is only after many years of repetition that you may begin to realize that there is not necessarily a problem with our own memory.

There are innumerable forms and shapes of storytelling. For an average outsider, this is simply a lie. But it's not that simple. As unbelievable as they may be, they don’t see or experience this as a lie. It doesn't even occur to them. That is why they have no guilt about it. Not at all. Moreover, they may be outraged that if they do not give credit to their distorted stories. As if for them there was no connection between their own story and real events. It hurts these people a lot to question their credibility, as they want to present something about themselves at all costs. A picture they put together. It does not matter to them whether it is true or false. The point is to go through. This is so important that real events are completely irrelevant to them. That is why they do not address moral and ethical aspects. (There was a psychologist who put it this way: They would lie even if the truth were a much better story.) Honesty is an incomprehensible word for them. Story weaving can be called a way of life. They bend real events to their own world. The way they want to see themselves in it. There is no place for fact here. That is not the point.

If someone has the opportunity to observe such communication for years or decades, they may find that it is as if it were always the first to occur. Again and again. And almost immediately, bagatization will be what they try to take the edge of what happened. As if that were the most natural thing. This is normal. Nothing special happened. In fact: Maybe the skeptic remembers badly. It certainly wasn't. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. They successfully insecure people not to rely on facts but on what they want to inject. Incredible isn't it? After all, no one basically suspects that. And after a long time, one does not want to believe it. The shock is what best expresses this. You don't understand why?

If someone is not a researcher who goes after these to find out what the truth is, it can take many years for the first doubts to be expressed in him. Many, many misunderstandings suddenly come together into a chain and a picture emerges. A very mysterious image that one instinctively does not want to believe.

There is no honest conversation, or confession, or anything like that. Initiatives to clarify things are all failing. It certainly cannot be clarified in this way. If the suspicion is strong enough and the victim wants to know that there is this reality based on his doubts then he has to go after himself, which of course raises questions of conscience. Then if they prove it, nothing really happens. Really nothing. Next time, it will be repeated again without remorse. And again. Anesthesia of the reality that takes place before one’s eyes takes place. It is a parallel world to which there is no access. The sooner the "victim" (which I think needs professional help) starts dealing with this, the sooner it will be recognized. I would like to emphasize that there can be all sorts of lies here. Also about ones that aren’t just about some kind of revelation, or in flagrant. But about everyday activities whose distortion seems pointless. And still.

The partners of such people find themselves in a vulnerable position because they do not know who they are facing. They don’t know what to believe and what not. Uncertainty will be complete and mistrust will develop. Respectively, "chaos." The lecture mentioned at the beginning also revealed that this is also the purpose of the manipulators. After all, the important thing for them is that those around them believe what they want. And for that, they set up uncertainty. In which a lie can also be a possible option. The storyteller decides what to share. He is manipulating. He excludes or allows the other to go there. Any attempt to build trust can be considered an attack or even abuse (!).

So they want to believe an unreal image they have set up, while expecting a sincere intimate relationship, and if this is not understood in an understandable way, they begin to hold the other party accountable for it, who didn’t try hard enough, who didn’t do everything. Moreover, in their accusations, the elements with which they themselves struggle suddenly appear. Any attempt at intimate coexistence is doomed to failure from the outset. The partner is forced into a chase, a matching running race that will never end or result. Unless you just quit this race or get sick of it. This race lasts until death.

Otherwise, without exception, this communication takes place to varying degrees against everyone. After all, showing a picture of yourself is valid for everyone. The extent of distortions and lies depends on the other party's relationship with them.

I once witnessed a conversation that took place between two good friends, and apparently there was no reason for it, yet the story was distorted by one of the parties. The basic story was true, but with the explanation added, he brought out the exact opposite by including a person in the story who didn't happen to be there either. I didn't even understand why this was necessary. Or I started to understand when I understood that the image they want to show about themselves is much more important to them. Those they consider to be their best friends will do the same without socking. That's not what it depends on. As I wrote to them, this is not a lie. From the outside, it’s completely incomprehensible why they need it, but it’s a fact that they do. This is essentially a kind of manipulation. Real rationality will only be a tool that either serves or does not serve their interests. If not then we are already weaving a story.

If we were to nail the question to them and they had no choice at all, they would immediately bring up another topic, preferably one that would hold the interviewer accountable, so that no shadow of it could be cast on them. But they certainly won’t give a straight answer. This also diverted the topic and responsibility from themselves. They sweep everything like that in a minute. It is also shocking that after such an incident, or the next day without further ado, they return to a communication as if nothing had happened in the world. Everything's okay…

After many, many such cases, it starts to show that something is very wrong here. At first, it’s an infinitely appealing look that’s behind something hiding there, or someone who’s not in tune with what’s rationally happening. It's like they're not here. Not the same. Weaving a story is hiding something dreaded. Covering.

What is hopeless about this is that they are not able to see their own operation. There is no self-reflection. They are stubborn. I mean, there is no compromise in it. They do not understand, they do not perceive the problem of this, its moral or ethical aspects. A much, much stronger motive sustains this system: fear. Covering their true selves.

I saw a man (doctor) who himself suffered from this. He recognized himself (how I didn’t know it), but he couldn’t change it. He said of himself: it's too late. This is awesome ... What is this contagion that cannot be got rid of and invisibly destroys?

This communication has consequences. What if, for example, it takes place between a parent child? What will the pattern be like for the child? How can you get the impulses you need for a healthy development? How does the child feel when he is kept in emotional insecurity?

Like all (?) People, they have a natural need for an intimate intimate relationship. They also state that they desire it. But they can't afford anyone. Because of fear. Because of the appearance of appearance. They also perceive the problem, but they always pass it on to their environment. The solution is also expected from there. Imaginary desire and reality are not in harmony. For example, someone longs for intimacy but is disturbed by physical touch is in itself a contradiction. In the absence of self-reflection, their environment is cited as the reason for their failure. They are always (!) Waiting for the solution from the environment. Moreover, their identity is also maintained from the feedback from the environment which makes them very fragile. Maybe that’s why they use so much manipulation. Their own self-esteem also depends on the feedback from the environment. This is very important to them. They want things just like anyone else. However, in the field of deeds, all attempts at intimate coexistence fail and are lost. It will be rejected. It even qualifies as a harsh attack. To protect this, more and more conditions are imposed that cannot be met after a while (or even from the beginning). In practice, this looks like they are formulating a specific condition, and by the time it is fulfilled, it will have lost its "warranty" and given another condition, or even more. Because they are only good for dealing with them. The error is always different. Always. In this way, they never get closer to the goals they have set themselves.

Meanwhile, they thirst for recognition from their environment. On every board. This is their essence. If they don’t get this they feel abused because in this they feel they have been let down. There is no room for reflection here. Most importantly, their needs are supported without compromise. These can also be hair-raising things. They can also use this in test mode. In Hungarian, they can only invent dogs / requests to test the unconditional devotion of their "victim". Questioning all of this is also perceived as abuse.

The vast majority of their “external” relationships are superficial, yet very important. Here they get the necessary positive feedback that is essential to feel healthy. Without it, they can practically not work. But the moment one crosses this line and enters the inner circle, one enters into another relation. From there, it will only be a matter of time and an enemy. The reason can be anything. It depends on the nature of the relationship. So there are a lot of positive connections on the surface, and virtually no well-functioning connections within the boundary. This is why people with such a problem are "successful" in their external relationships and live exclusively there. The looser the relationship, the more impressive. However, getting closer and closer, the picture changes. They sell themselves great in the hopes of positive feedback. Therefore, the outside world has no idea that they are not dealing with the real personality but with a constructed and manipulated one. All of their relationships serve the same purpose. They replace the failure of their internal relationships with the failures of the external ones. As if it could be.

In partnerships, the ideal partner for them is one who can continuously satisfy this unquenchable need. There is no question here of symmetry, mutual understanding where the two parties can be equally present, or interdependence, devotion, selflessness, trust, empathy, and so on. No. Here they focus only on their own needs. The easiest way to achieve this is to ask or observe what the ideal relationship is for them? How do they talk about this? In each case, what is expected of the other party is stated. The ideal partner who meets your needs. Only in this relation can they think. There is no and cannot be trust because it would result in a vulnerable state for them. When someone tries to get close, they experience it mostly as abuse because they would have to give up a series of things that are unthinkable for them. They are held captive by fear. Such are trust, empathy, selflessness, devotion.

There are those in great danger besides such people who are problem-avoiders, capable of almost anything for acceptance, blame themselves in conflicts, and think that if they do better, the situation would surely change and emotional disproportion, or so to speak, abuse would be resolved. It is also possible that they are instinctively looking for such a partner. Unsuccessful attempts lead to increasingly desperate and hopeless deformities, which end in disease of the body, or disintegration of the mind. Once a doc said about it, no matter who their partner is and no matter what they do or don’t do, it is certain that a person with such a personality will break into their partner for their own purposes. There can be only one outcome to these connections. Abuse.

They form a world for themselves in their thoughts and do not adapt it to reality, but distort reality to their world with story twists and lots and lots of manipulation. Their self-image does not reflect reality. They build for themselves a personality that is deeply hidden behind the real, which (according to doctors) remained in development and dysfunctional in infancy, is useless, and so far medicine has not explained how to cure it. It is very difficult for me to accept that man-made structures are now being researched on Mars, but with this severe personality disorder, medicine is only groping in the dark. This is simply nonsense.

If someone has shown a constructed image to the world all their life, of course, they identify with it and in no way want to get rid of it because they feel safe from it. He who is inside is protected by this. Because it must be protected forever! It’s as if I’m terribly ashamed, and therefore held in fear by all the fears. This can result in their constant offensive and skeptical attitude! In an approach, they do not detect what they want and need, but an intruder who wants access to the protected area. That sounds pretty insoluble.

The big question for me is how aware are such people of themselves with their dysfunction? How could they be motivated to want to get rid of the false image behind them and release those who are so afraid of themselves? There must be a way to do it, we just haven't found it yet. I think so.

They don't let anyone close to you. Not even themselves. They can’t manifest themselves emotionally, but in the meantime they keep wanting it. I don't know how to solve this. But I want to know. Such people are very unhappy. Since they are often abusers at the same time, in almost all cases such cases concern the protection of the victim, I rightly add. But we gave up healing the perpetrator (who is really the patient), even though this problem really should be solved. Rescuing the victim is a duty, but it is not the solution to the problem. So let's give up on people like that now? I wrote about it (also) because it is one of the serious folk diseases of our civilization. It affects many. I’ve even read about it being described as a pledge of prosperity in the world. It's ready madness!

Otherwise, facing ourselves is a very difficult task for everyone. It takes a lot of courage and determination. I think it needs help. Is this a healthy parent-child, couple, sibling, or friend relationship conceivable without self-knowledge? Is it important for us to be self-aware and authentic in all areas of our lives? I think this is the way to learn to love. If we are well with ourselves for the first time. Then we will be able to love something else. Taking all the risks of this. Where the outside and inside, below and above are viewed from the same point of view, so they can come into harmony with each other. In which we can accept love, and we can give it. God forgive me! But can we forgive ourselves for this?

Friday, August 4, 2017

Saulkrasti JazzCamp in Latvia

I'm was second time in Latvia at Saulkrasti JazzCamp to teach young pioneers guitarists. It was my pleasure to be there in this wonderful country. First time was in 2004 with Krzysztof Zavadzki-drums (PL) and Steve Logan-bass (US) who pass away in 2007. Near the teaching we gave a wonderful concert as well. This time, the leader of the most famous polish fusion group call WalkAway invite me in his band for this week. Whole member of the band was the teachers, including me. This time was also unforgettable. 0-24h non-stop music. Very nice and professional orkanization, nice people, and the nature just amazing! Here are couple pictures about the life of the camp, and about the nature:

with Krzysztof Zwadzki an Steve Logan in 2007 in Saulkrasti